But no matter, I'm foraging ahead.
Last year we were of course here when we entered into the new year. In fact the calendar flipped over last year without me hardly even noticing. This year I did notice however, and I did have time to contemplate what this past year has been, as well as imagine a little about what I'd like to focus on for the year ahead. So here goes.
2012 was all over the map for me. Exciting, challenging, overwhelming, and completely wonderful all wrapped into one. Of course there is Nora, who, entering our family at the beginning of the year, was probably the main character of 2012 as all of our lives were suddenly rearranged around this new little being. I found myself having to once again relearn how to combine seemingly irrelevant actives such as... peek-a-boo and showering... nursing and eating... awake and 3:00 am. I had to let go of a lot too. Like the idea of a clean house (in fact I feel like it's probably been a year since it's been truly clean), feeling on top of the laundry, or making every meal myself.
This adjustment period (which quite honestly probably took the whole year) was so different then I had thought it would be for all of us. So many highs and lows with almost everyday. Sometimes a situation would arise and the grace to handle it would magically appear as well. When the words coming out of my mouth surely were from some higher source and I was just as comforted by them as my children were. And other times were quite the opposite. I would find myself in a situation that I was just to overwhelmed and overtired to handle and a very ugly side of myself would emerge. Thankfully as I became more adjusted to life with three children I was able to tame that side a bit. Both Grace and Jackson surprised me with their reactions too. Struggling in ways I hadn't anticipated but also shining in ways I hadn't anticipated either. Now, however, after a year has passed, I am constantly finding myself feeling so proud of the big sister and brother they have become. They truly adore her.
As do Ryan and I of course. She is such a gentle soul. Cautious and shy. Yet when she is comfortable with you she is full of snuggles and giggles. Or, if you're really lucky, she crawls up on your lap and proceeds to hand you book after book while she listens contently. Yes, we adore her to pieces. And I can't help but feeling so grateful for how much she has enriched us as a family. We just feel so much fuller. In a good way.
But the sleeplessness... that was another struggle. I had anticipated it in the beginning. The first three or four months I went to bed knowing I would probably be up several times before the sun would come up. And I was right, there were a lot of sleepless nights in the beginning. But what I hadn't properly prepared myself for (maybe because I'm not sure I'd experienced it before) was the number of nights that would be sleepless in the 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th months. And also the number of nights in a row that one can actually sustain such sleeplessness. Some days it didn't seem I could actually. That part was hard. And, while it does seem to be gone at the moment, I'm not sure it's over. I think the biggest problem is all the teeth little Nora has gotten so fast. 8 teeth by her first birthday. Grace didn't even get her first tooth until a few weeks before she turned one. Jackson was somewhere in the middle of that. So yes, that was different. And in her defense, she's usually pretty relaxed about the whole thing. As long as someone is willing to rock her, she will usually lie quietly in your arms. So lots of rocking this past year. And dancing and singing.
The other event that also managed to consume a part of me in 2012 was my bees, or the loss of my bees I should say. Last spring I went out to check on them one day and found thousands and thousands of dead bees lying in front of the hive. When I explained the details of what had happened to my local bee expert I was told it was a pesticide kill, most likely from one of the neighboring commercial corn farmers. This seemingly small incident managed to evoke in me a sense of anger and sadness that I had not, and have not experienced in a very long time. And it did not shake away very easily. I complained and wrote and researched and stomped my feet a lot. I also learned a lot. About food and (horrible, horrible) chemical companies and our corrupted government and many other not fun things (anyone who has seen "Food Inc" or "The Future of Food" has some idea of what I am talking about). And for awhile I just felt really, really angry about all of it. Thankfully I am coming around though. Really coming around. And all of what I have learned has started to inspire me in new and positive ways. I am learning to take that anger and channel it into something more productive and loving. And that feels good.
But overall I would say it was a good year. I felt a lot of transformation happening around and within me. I feel different, more different then I usually feel after a year has past and that feels good too.
So, on to 2013. Here are my new years resolutions...
1) Listening. I have been starting to pay more attention to that inner voice lately and I am finding (or remembering) that it is very helpful. I would like to really work on listening to myself this year. I would also like to work at being a better listener to others too. Talking/thinking less. Listening more.
2) Time to simmer. It use to be that once I got an idea about something I felt compelled to act on it immediately. Of course sometimes that's a good idea. But sometimes it's not. I have recently begin to see the many benefits of just letting something simmer for awhile. I can feel so many new ideas taking root inside of me right now but I suddenly have this new clarity that they will best be cultivated with just a little patience.
3) Authentic joy. Last year I spent too much time being serious. I want more silliness and laughter back in my life. This year I am going to work at finding more things to laugh at.
4) Radical acceptance... errrr kind of. I wrote this down in my journal one night when I was contemplating what my resolutions were going to be. Then (ironically) the very next morning I woke up as Ryan was marching off to work (leaving me alone with three kids) and having gotten NO sleep (for the 89th night in a row) and immediately crossed it right of the list. I did not accept (and there wasn't even anything radical about it). It sounds like such a good idea in theory. There are some that claim that acceptance (or lack there of) is really the root of all unhappiness. It makes a lot of sense and seems so simple, accept everything and be happy all the time. Well apparently I have a long way to go to enlightenment. Anyway, I crossed it off but then later added back on, but more as something just to practice being aware of... when I'm up to it.
So that's it. 2012 in a nutshell and my hopes for 2013.
Oh and one last thing I guess. I have really missed this little space of mine over the last year. I miss being able to sit down at the end of the day and sort through my thoughts or remember what made me smile. I am hoping that over the next year I will be able to make more time for writing here again.
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