A Moment

Friday morning we decided to start school in bed (why don't we do this everyday??).  I was teaching Jackson how to knit in between reading our book and Grace was teaching Nora how to finger knit in between her own knitting.  It was one of those really good moments.  One of the ones that cancels out all the hundreds of not good moments that may have happened earlier in the week.  So at some point I decided I needed a picture of us.  This lead to more laughter as there was no way to capture us without cutting off someone's head.  Not to mention they were all really just pictures of my seemingly huge arms.











I don't care though.  It was a good moment.  You have to capture those in whatever form you can.

What I Needed

{finding fairies}











Oh my goodness.  Today I did nothing.  Ahhhhh, nothing.  The following last several weeks have been so busy I really haven't even been able to catch my breath.  But today that was all I did.  Ryan took the big kids out fishing and Nora and I stayed in our pajamas until after lunch.  We sat by the fire and read books.  We went back to bed and read more books.  We played many rounds of "Sneaky Snacky Squirrel".  And then we took a nice meandering walk through the woods.  I roasted a chicken for dinner.  After the kids were in bed I had a nice long phone chat with my sis.  It was all the things I needed to do to slow myself back down to my speed.

On Being Sick

The day after Halloween I was very tired.  I assumed it must have been from all of the late nights I had stayed up taking care of everyone.  I spent the afternoon napping on the couch thinking I must just need to catch up on some sleep.



But by nighttime I realized I was coming down with what everyone else had.  The next morning the kids were so sweet to me.  They came and checked on me and brought me peppermint tea.  They even did their school work all on their own.



By lunch time things were starting to come undone but at least by then I was capable of getting out of bed for short periods of time.  Then by Tuesday afternoon I was feeling completely back to myself.  Tuesday happened to be an absolutely beautiful day so we spent as much time as we could outside.



I washed and hung out all the sheets and blankets and opened all the windows.  By the end of the day our house couldn't have been any fresher.

While being sick is mostly miserable, I do find that the situation often gives way to small tender moments.  There is something in me that (aside from the night shift) finds contentment in caring for my sick children.  Keeping the diffuser filled with eucalyptus oils, making chicken noodle soup, reading more books and watching extra shows, and of course so much snuggling.  Similarly, when I am sick I am equally as content to let others take care of me.  I think having Nora sit on my bed and write me get well letters and then read them to me is for sure what finally made me feel all better.

Today

Today I decided not to focus on the fiddle bow Jackson broke, or the (loooong) fight about school work Grace and I had, or the unhappy state little Nora was in most of the day.



 Nope.  Instead I kept my heart happy by planting and weeding and moving rocks around (have I talked about rock therapy before?  I must have.)  It was a good day in that garden.  Thank goodness for that.



One moment worth noting (when all three were happy) was the use of their new "invention".  Can't remember what they named it but basically they tied bikes to the wagon and gave Nora rides.  Yes, I'll take that moment to bed with me too.

Where We Are

Sometimes I get behind on coming here and then it becomes very hard to return.  There are so many posts to catch up on (Grace's play!  Field trips!  The retreat Grace and I just went on!  The garden!) and it all just seems to overwhelming.  In times like that it's easier if I just forget about all of that for now and start where we are.  So where we are...

~ The flowers are starting to bloom here.  This might be my favorite time of year on our farm.  After what seems like almost two weeks of blooming the magnolia tree is just starting to drop it's velvety petals.  Nora has repeatedly brought me excitedly to some new patch of color to show me her discovery.

~ A week ago, just before we were going to be heading out to the laundry mat with a load of towels and rugs (can't seem to get them to not feel like sandpaper after being on the line) I decided to just give our dryer another test.  Magically it started working again.  I was both ecstatic and depressed.  Ecstatic because I didn't even realize how much I missed it.  I mean I hate to say it because I really want to be someone who always hangs their laundry on the line but once it was working again I really just wanted to snuggle up with it, maybe even write it a love letter or two.  But I was also depressed because I worried I'd never go back to my laundry line, it had just finally became a part of my everyday routine.  But surprisingly after a week of using my dryer again I started really missing the laundry line.  So now I'm back to it.  Except for the towels.  Not sure I can ever get use to that one.

~ This weekend Nora was helping me with the laundry and as she peeked through some hanging shirts it suddenly reminded me of this day with Grace five years ago.  Awwww... so cute.

~  We've gotten the barn almost all cleaned up for the season and are starting to eat dinner out there whenever the weather permits.

~  Dinner in the barn is usually followed up with some sort of barn "show".

~  We did some clay work last week for school.  Forgot how much we all love that.

~ The garden... we planted some kale and lettuce three weeks ago and it is finally starting to sprout.  But today was the first day we've really had a chance to spend a big chunk of time working in there.  Can't wait to get back out there tomorrow.

Sun and Fevers and Laundry

It has been in the 50's and 60's here for the past several days.  The kids have been running outside directly after breakfast to play in the mud and explore the temporary "stream" that appears here every spring.  Yesterday we had school outside.  For the second day in a row I woke up and hung the laundry on the line in the early morning sun.

Aside from our happy spring fever, we had a little scare with Jackson last night having to do with a fever of a different sort.  He had been complaining of a headache and then last night he spiked a temperature of 103.2.  Then he said his neck hurt and of course all we could think of was meningitis.  So he and I spent 3 and 1/2 hours in the ER and several tests later we found out thankfully that all is well.  Today his fever is gone but he is in a lot of pain from the tests and there is a small part of me that wishes I just would have waited until morning to make a decision.  Hindsight I guess.  But in any case he is okay and of course we are so grateful for that.

Our dryer has been broken for a month or so and Ryan and I thinking very seriously about not ever fixing it.  While it does add one more thing to my to do list, I love the idea of being freed of one more appliance and moving just a tiny step closer to our 10 year plan (someday I'll write about that here).  Plus about 50% of the time I really like hanging the laundry up.  I think if I work at it I could increase that percentage.

Everyday when I walk out to let the chickens out I gently tap my boot on one of the garden beds to see how much it has thawed.  I think a few more days of this weather and I'll be planting peas and lettuce.

Peaceful January

Two birthdays down, one to go.  My camera card is broken so all of my pictures from Grace's (first) sleepover birthday party have disappeared.  Supposedly I can recover them but we'll see.  I'll have to add that post in as soon (hopefully with pictures).  Anyway, I'm stuck with using my phone again for awhile for picture taking.

Despite all of the celebrating this month, I have also been lingering in the quiet and introspective nature that January brings.  I have been finding more time for myself, or maybe making more time for myself would be more accurate.  It still feels a little forced and clunky when I add things like "drink tea" or "write" to my daily to-do list.  But slowly my mind and body are starting to accept these tiny gifts I am folding into my day.

Grace and Ryan are both sick with high fevers and have been sleeping for two days straight.  I have been doing my best to keep the healthy ones happy (and stay healthy) while simultaneously caring for the sickies.  Yesterday Grace said she wanted to try eating some soup and I practically ran to the kitchen because well, soup for sick people is my specialty, but also (and more conveniently) I had three jars of turkey, veggie soup that I had made after Thanksgiving in the freezer (in turkey bone broth no less).  Upon opening the freezer, however, I found that all of the jars had been cracked.  I must have put them in there without cooling them long enough.  Or maybe I filled them up too high.  At any rate I did my best to create some soup out of the random findings from the nearly empty veggie bin.  We didn't have any garlic (my go to) but I did find a bag of frozen nettles at the back of the freezer from two years ago and threw a handful of the crumbling leaves into the pot (note to self- freeze more this spring, maybe now I will actually use them!).  The final result was potato, carrot, nettle soup seasoned with turmeric.  Not too bad considering my limited options.

I have been having this comforting thought lately that is completely changing the way I go about my day.  It is this: maybe this is all there is.  AND maybe all that is is just what I ordered.  What I mean is, what if all of these little bits of mundane and ordinary moments that make up my life are exactly what I came here to do.  What if when I peered down from the sea of stardust I wasn't longing to do something spectacular but instead was only yearning to immerse myself in all of the simple and wonderful things that make up the experience of being human.  Do a puzzle with a six year old.  Play hide and seek with a three year old.  Make soup for a sick child or husband.  Bring a bowl of apple cores to some hungry chickens.

This is what I am contemplating anyway, as I go about my days in this quiet month of January.

Swimming and Time

Hopefully soon I will catch up on all my holiday posts.  Tonight I'm not in the mood.  Today we went swimming with our homeschool group.  Have I talked enough about how much I love them?  I'm not sure I have.  I mean there is nothing I despise more then trying to bundle up all my children, to get in the car no less, and brave the 80 below zero temperature just to try and be somewhere on time.  Actually that little fact right there was one of the first things that started to sway me into the homeschool camp.  Take out the garbage in 80 below, don't mind it.  Feed the chickens in 80 below, kind of like it.  But getting in the car to have to be somewhere specific at a specific time in 80 below, nooooo thanks.  But, but, when the other end of "specific place and time" is our homeschool group, totally worth it.  That's how much I love them.



Today while our kids swam in the pool (for 5 hours!) the grown ups talked.  We talked about many things (the usuals- food, non-food, how hard it is to reverse the effects of eating non-food, field trips, how stressed or not stressed the holidays were, how annoying some of our children can be, how locking them in a closet might be a good solution, etc, etc) but what I am still thinking about tonight is our conversations about time.  Or more specifically time for myself.  How does one (especially a homeschooling mom) organize their time so that all of those things that need to get done can get done- time to go grocery shopping (and even time to make a grocery list), and clean and do laundry, plan lessons, etc but also have time to sit and do nothing, meditate, exercise, write, draw, etc.  The practical to-dos must be balanced with the cup filling to-dos or this is whole thing isn't going to be sustainable.  I spent a small part of the first day of the New Year at a yoga studio doing yoga.  Aside from the hike I took last month this is the first time I have consciously exercised my body since last spring.  Why is that?  Why is it that I can't find the time to sit down and compose a decent grocery list and therefor spend 3 out of 7 days a week at the grocery store?  Why can't I find at least a few minutes out of everyday to meditate?  While I am pretty consistent about keeping my nights free of cleaning and other obligatory tasks, do I really use my time that wisely?  Some nights I seem to waist away on the computer.  Or maybe that's not even a bad thing, I don't know.  If it really made me happy then I would argue it's not, I'm just not sure that's the case.  Anyway, point of all this is that I want to be more intentional with my time.  So there it is, a January 6th New Years Intention- learning to be more conscious of my time and making time for what is really important.

December Thoughts

{working on a Christmas gift}


{on a winter hike with our homeschool group}

There is so much to catch up on I would like to skip right to the present.  But then I would be missing some real good stuff.  So here goes... Grace and Jackson had a performance for their Irish music class.  They sang and both played the harp.  Ryan and I had a whole night and a day all to our selves!  We went out to dinner at our favorite place.  Then we got to spontaneously stop over at our friends and drink a glass of wine while sitting around the bonfire.  I can't remember the last time we got to do anything spontaneous.  We need more spontaneous.  I brought the two big kids to see the Grinch at the Children's Theater.  Loved.  We have been working on our Christmas presents.  Last weekend we dedicated a whole day to it, all five of us.  Might be my favorite holiday tradition we do.  Somewhere in there Nora got sick.  And then got better.  We already had one Christmas celebration.  Four more to go.  Mostly I like that.

So yes, we are in the full holiday swing of things.  I like the swing for the most part.  Although I have been trying to take note of a few things we will change up for next year.

~ I want two weekends dedicated to making gifts as a family.  If there is one Christmas memory I most want etched into my children's memories it is this one.  Not to mention it is one of those rare times when, should someone happen to stop by our house, they might be fooled into thinking we've all been drinking too much eggnog, as we are all that happy.

~ Starting the calendar making (an annual gift our kids make) in November.

~ Oh and also next November I will take out the Advent calendar and finish it before Advent.  After five years of using it I can confidently say I won't finish it once we hang it up and I certainly won't work on it after Christmas is over.

~ I want to have a bonfire on the night of the solstice.  Nothing fancy.  Just an hour or two of hanging out at the fire with my family.  Maybe we'll even start this one this year.

~ No gifts for anyone over the age of kid, other then a few handmade things.  We are almost to this point now but not quite there yet.

Last week our washing machine broke and I had the realization that despite being able to put a meal on the table that we can take 100% credit for we are not yet the pioneers we aspire to be.  My attempt at trying to do our laundry in the bathtub was a complete failure.  Anyway, tomorrow after taking the big kids to a Christmas play we are heading to my parents to do some laundry.  I'm thinking it will really bring my mom back to see me show up there with four pillow cases of dirty clothes.

Finding Hope

I didn't go vote yesterday.  I know, I know.  If you don't vote, don't complain.  The thing is, I can't seem to find a reason to vote anymore.  Rarely does anyone even talk about the issues that really matter to me and if they do (and I vote for them) they end up doing the opposite of what they said they would do.   The only two elections I really cared about this year were in Colorado and Oregon (if only I could have voted there).  This morning Jackson woke up and said, "mom, who won- cancer, or your team?"  I swear I did not refer to the people against labeling GMOs as the "cancer guys" but I guess my kids have learned enough over the last few years to come up with that clever nickname all on their own (and for that matter, I also didn't refer to the right to know group as "my team"... though I might start referring to them that way, I have always wanted a team to cheer for).

It is hard for me not to loose hope sometimes about the direction this world seems to want to continue heading.  I mean, for goodness sake, we just wanted to label GMOs.  God forbid we would even think about banning them.  Cancer, birth defects, lymphoma (and on and on), why wouldn't we want to continue growing and eating GMOs.  In fact, why don't we grow more of them (and we will).

I have to look closely for the hope these days.  But it is there.  Yesterday, along with several other families, we helped a family from our homeschool group put up some more boards on the off grid home they are building (completely themselves) on their beautiful piece of land.  I watched as all of our children ran around on the trails, playing happily and as all the adultss pitched in to the best of their ability, also smiling and laughing the whole time.  After a few hours of work we all sat down together and shared a big pot of delicious homemade chili.  I found myself overcome with a feeling of this is how it is suppose to be.  People working together to help provide for each other, and having fun doing it all the way.

Yes, I found hope there.  And I found hope today, sitting in front of the fire with Nora, harvesting our dried beans.  A much smaller bit of hope to be sure, but hope all the same.  "Mama, these are jumping beans" she said has she broke apart a dried pod and laughed as the seeds flew everywhere.  For a brief moment, I envied her just a bit.  How wonderful it would be to have such a memory etched in my brain from childhood that could be referenced now as an adult (or any memory, for that matter, pertaining to the skills of self sufficiency).  Then after a minute I decided, oh well, I get to learn it all now and that's fun too in a way.  But Nora (and Grace and Jackson), they will enter into the great big world with at least a little bit of knowledge about how to provide for themselves.  That gives me hope too.  

Today

Of course I would have a bad day today.  Of course, after all my wanting everything to stay this way forever talk yesterday, I would have a day where I wanted to crawl back into bed and not emerge until tomorrow.  Of course I would.

They were crabby, I was crabby.  There was resistance to everything from putting on coats, to lessons, to eating what's for dinner.  Even I was resistant- to teaching lessons, to making that soup that needed to be made from the last of the garden, to meditating (which ironically would have probably fixed everything).

Anyway, we did it.  Somehow we got through the day.  Then, ironically, as I was tucking Grace and Jackson into bed Grace said "thanks for a fun day mom".
"Wait, what.." I asked, "did someone have fun at some point today?  I don't remember having any fun."  Then they both proceeded to tell me about a few happy moments here and there.
And then Jackson said, "Oh and remember, we had fun raking."
I thought for a moment, "Oh yes, we did have fun raking."  I had forgotten about that.
"Until I wrecked it by complaining and asking for the thousandth time when we could go in" Grace reminded us.
And then we all laughed.  We all agreed to do better tomorrow and I kissed them both goodnight.

Then I sat for an hour and a half by the fire, with my books and notebook and pen.  And somehow that fixed what was left that needed fixing.

Tomorrow is Halloween.  I'm feeling hopeful it will be a better day.

Minnesotan is to Winter as Woman is to Birth

It snowed all day again today and I loved every minute of it.  Snow, I love snow!  How could I have ever been mad about snow!  Look how beautiful it is!  So peaceful!  And all the fun things we can do...



And I do.  I just love it right now.  I guess I'm just thankful (and still surprised) because after last "spring" I really thought I would be miserable this winter.



In other news I had the most glorious nap today (never mind what or who caused me to be in such need of a nap).  After I got Nora down the big kids listened to a Sparkle Story while I snuggled on the couch in front of the fire.  When I woke up I had this glass of water and note waiting for me...



Good things.

Happiness

{bird feeders we made with our homeschool group}

The snow was so beautiful today.  I am so surprised at myself by how much I am loving the snow this December.  There is something so peaceful about a fresh blanket of white coating our little farm.  I feel myself letting out a deep exhale at the thought of all of the work of summer being put to rest for awhile.

While today contained many moments of the stay-at-home-mama-with-three-small-children usuals ("mom, Grace wrecked my paper airplane", etc, etc), as I sit here tonight it is the moments of gratitude I am struck by.  Sitting in the cabin in the woods near the river (that our homeschooling co-op has been graciously allowed to occupy every Tuesday for FREE at Camp St. Croix) in front of a toasty fire- chatting with other moms and watching Jackson run outside to play with the other children (without his sister- that is new) and Grace coral a group of friends into playing a game she brought- my cup is overflowing.

Later in the evening while Ryan took Grace to dance and my mom was inside with Nora, Jackson and I got to enjoy a "night" walk.  In the field next door we came upon four deer prancing around (it was hard to see in the dark but maybe two bucks trying to impress some does?).  With the huge fluffy flakes of snow falling from the sky the scene was breathtaking.

My day ended in my favorite spot in front of the fireplace with a new magazine in hand and my dreaming notebook.

Yes these are the moments I will take with me to bed tonight.

After several days of warm weather wonderfulness I awoke this morning to yet another day of sickness, sleeplessness and snow.  I was a we bit depressed to say the least.  Fairly certain I couldn't possibly tolerate this horrible combination for one more day I begin to complain to Ryan.  After I finished my rant (in which I had completely written off the day as awful) he gently reminded me that it was only 7:30 and perhaps it was possible for the day to turn around.

As it turns out he was right, despite the snow, sleeplessness, and sickness it turned out to be a great day.  My mom came out to help with the kids which is always nice.  Grace and I had some one on one time together as she had a doctor appointment (where all turned out just fine) and we got to spend the morning just the two of us and go to school late.  Then Jackson and I had our first day of farm school which was absolutely awesome.  I'm not sure who had more fun between the two of us.  And then tonight, the best part of all, Katie called to say that her and Kris are engaged!  I couldn't be happier for them!

And hopefully all that goodness can get me through tomorrow as there is more snow in the forecast.  

Feeling Grateful For...

~ our family's health returning
~ some sleep
~ a breakfast date with my girlfriends
~ the sun who reappeared yesterday
~ my favorite books and authors who continue to inspire me everyday
~ the hope of spring
~ my mess making, art loving kids
~ my class today and the opportunity to go to school
~ Katie and Kris coming over and taking the kids bowling and then making us dinner
~ time to relax